True Remembrance
by angelic lily
Summary: When Hitsugaya's sealed past comes crumbling down around him.
1. Chapter 1

**Just a guide:**

**_Blah_- zanpakutou speaking**

_Blah_**- person thinking/ speaking to zanpakutou**

**I don't own bleach.**

Japan was just starting to embrace western culture. Hitsugaya Toushirou was just lucky enough to be one of the aristocrats.

He was only five at the time, dressed smartly in a suit that fit him snugly. His older sister, Kikyou, was in a white dress that matched their mother's. His father was talking with his mother beside the windows animatedly.

It was picture day. They had hired a photographer to come to their house since it was winter and much too bothersome to go all the way to the studio. Of course, they also did not want little Toushirou to catch a cold.

There was though, the fact that there were many unhappy samurai's on the loose that would kill for the lost honor done to them. It was dangerous times for those who had managed to climb to the new Western court of the Emperor.

"Otou-san."

Hitsugaya Ren looked down at his little son. When Toushirou had first been born, he would have to admit that he was surprised. The shock of white hair had made him think perhaps that he had sired an old man. Also, maybe that his son was one of the rare albinos born in the city. But as soon as Toushirou had opened his eyes, Hitsugaya Ren knew his speculations were false. Though Ren was not particularly a superstitious man, he truly believed his son was possessed by a strong spirirt who would bring fortune to the family.

Ren smiled. "What is it Toushirou?"

The normally sullen child blushed a little while trying to hide something behind his back.

"I-"

The door burst open to reveal an unshaven man in a traditional samurai dress holding a large box. The family stared. The man promptly ignored them and quickly placed the box on the floor and opened it. Before the Hitsugaya family knew it, the man was pointing a gun at them.

Ren stared at it in amazement; he wondered how the man had gotten such an expensive weapon and why the HELL he was pointing it at them. Toushirou just looked in awe; he had never seen a gun before.

Slowly, Ren began to recover from the shock. He started to take a step forward. "Look, we-"

Those were the only words he managed before a large crack sounded, signaling that the gun had been shot.

Toushirou looked out the broken window to where his father had fallen. He expected him to be standing in the snow, waving, telling them that he was alright and that he would be up in a moment. Toushirou only saw red on white. He couldn't comprehend. He had never seen blood before.

He didn't know who started screaming first, his mother or his sister. Either way, it seemed they had tied.

The man was pointing the gun at Kikyou now. Toushirou saw her fall to her knees, still screaming. Tears were coming endlessly from her eyes as were her cries. Toushirou felt anger, no, wrath fill up in his heart.

The killer obviously was ready to shoot as he brought the heavy machinery up again for the fatal shot. Only too late did he notice the white-haired boy intercepting the girl from the bullet.

The boy, with a frown on his face, glared at the stranger.

"Leave Kikyou a-"

Toushirou felt strange. He felt pain on his chest and began to feel a warm, wet sensation where it hurt. He could also distinguish many small capillary feeling running down his chest. His ears were ringing too. Ring ring ring ring. He turned his head just a little to see his mother with tears in her eyes while having her mouth open. Was she screaming? She was making his ears hurt. He wanted to tell her to stop but couldn't move his mouth. No, he didn't want to because he felt warm liquid gurgling inside his throat, threatening to come up. He watched from the corner of his eyes at the floor seemed to move up to him.

_I…don't understand…_

Hitsugaya Toushirou lay on the bloodied floor, his dulled green eyes staring emptily at the shooter. It didn't faze the shooter at all. The samurai proceeded to choose his next target.

---------

The robbed room of three corpses lay eerily silent as a broken window let the cold winter breeze in. One woman, one girl, one boy. If one could distinguish from all the blood, a piece of white paper would be seen in the boy's hand.

In an almost illegible childish scrawl, it read: Happy Birthday Otou-san!

---------

Hitsugaya woke up, sweating.

He looked outside his window to confirm it was dawn. Wiping cold sweat from his forehead, he decided to wake up even earlier than he usually woke. He wouldn't be able to go back to sleep even if he wanted to. He was sure of it.

After washing, the captain put on his robes with trembling fingers. He shook his hands in an effort to work out the trembles but it obviously failed as he dropped his tea cup for the twentieth time. Something he had dreamt was thoroughly disturbing him. He just didn't know what.

He found it slightly aggravating that he could not remember a simple dream. Perhaps it was a sign that he had slept well? If he had slept well, he wouldn't have woken up in cold sweat. He knew that. He had to know that. It was the basics of sanity. But it was thoroughly irritating that he couldn't remember WHAT he had dreamt that he was sure he was going to go insane. Outside his thought-filled mind, Hitsugaya broke a cup trying to fill it with tea.

Hitsugaya felt Hyourinmaru uncoil in his mind restlessly as he walked to his office. The captain felt his eye twitch. There were many reasons for this. Firstly, it was always a sign that he was annoyed. Secondly, it was that he hadn't rested or eaten well in the last 24 hours. It also meant insecurity. Hitsugaya sighed as the presence of the dragon turned into a mix of anger, concern, and annoyance.

_**You fear.**_

Hitsugaya remained silent. He decided to be preoccupied with stacking paperwork into neat piles. He swore under his breath when one of the piles fell, leaving a nice white mess. The dragon moved again, discontent at being ignored.

_**You fear this knowledge. Though it is sealed, you have seen it. And fear it.**_

Hitsugaya sipped at the only successful cup of tea that he had made in the morning. He put it down firmly in the corner to his right.

_What reason do I have to fear it?_

He knew it was a stupid reply but he couldn't bring himself to acknowledge it; there was nothing to fear. Suddenly, as if to prove him wrong, he felt Hyourinmaru's icy breath all around him. The dragon was clearly trying to establish a point.

_**If you fear this, you must conquer it.**_

Hitsugaya didn't bother to reply, knowing there was nothing to say and no zanpakutou to say it to. Hyourinmaru had withdrawn from his mind.

The rest of the day came fast. There was a lot of paperwork to preoccupy him with while pushing thoughts from his mind. His division also found it INCREDIBLY tempting to be gossipy and noisy today, making half his thoughts into those thinking of a way to torture them at training. He didn't even see Matsumoto until late afternoon. As usual, thought today it seemed more than just laziness; she decided not to do anything and mumbled about resting before falling asleep on the couch like a dead man. Or woman.

To summarize, he had a migraine the size of his vice-captain's breasts.

Hitsugaya sighed as he put aside a good pile of paperwork. It was already evening. He had skipped breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He just didn't feel like eating. The gurgle in his stomach told him that if he did, he would probably throw up. That wasn't the image he wanted to maintain.

_It's no good to go out with your sword to when there is nothing to conquer._

The captain felt another onset of pain coming with a hint of delirium. He looked out the window to try to wait it out.

When Matsumoto woke up, she was surprised to see her captain NOT doing paperwork but looking out the window with slightly glazed eyes.

"Taichou…?"

The young captain didn't turn around but proceeded to talk to his vice-captain as if she was the window.

"Matsumoto. Do you remember how you died?"

The vice captain wasn't expecting this. She half wondered if this was to test whether she was still drunk or not. But from the way he looked, she doubted it.

"Hai taichou."

The captain continued to look outside without answering. The busty vice-captain began to feel worried.

"Taichou? Are feeling alright?"

Hitsugaya took a deep breath, sucking the air in between his teeth. He let it out slowly, while closing his eyes painfully.

_No… not really. I'm not feeling the greatest._

Matsumoto watched his reaction carefully. She leapt up almost too late when Hitsugaya fell off his chair sideways, toppling to the ground.

**Ya… I don't know what inspired me to write this. It must have been a combination of overactive imagination and overdose of bleach songs xp please don't kill me if you don't like it. And don't kill me for not updating my other bleach fic (if you are a reader of that). The update for that is coming soon. Anyways, this won't be long. It'll most likely be a two chapter fic so don't expect me to go on and on and on forever :) thank you for reviewing!**


	2. Chapter 2

When he woke up, Hitsugaya wasn't surprised to find himself lying on a bed. He remembered falling. Either that or he had shrunk to Yachiru's size, making the floor seem closer than usual. Hitsugaya prayed that never happened. He had enough trouble as it was.

The 10th division captain sat up, grateful that his head didn't hurt anymore. _Must be Unohana-taichou_, he thought.

The white-haired shinigami wondered if it was Matsumoto who brought him in. It was most likely her. He recalled a vague memory of talking with her about something. Probably about her drinking habits. He just hoped no one saw him being carried to the 4th division. Or whichever way he had come. He needed respect and support more than ever; he couldn't afford to lose that. He didn't want to hear their versions of what happened.

The door to Hitsugaya's ward opened, revealing a 4th division vice captain.

"How are you feeling Hitsugaya-taichou?" Isane asked. Hitsugaya watched the tall shinigami approach him timidly with tea. It was rare to see her tending to a patient. She usually did more critical work with Unohana. Bending down considerably, she set the tray in front of the captain, waiting for an answer.

"Fine." Hitsugaya grunted. It was somehow always embarrassing to come to the 4th division; he wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. He licked his parched lips while Isane poured him therapeutic tea.

"That's a relief." Isane knew the captain disliked visits to the 4th division; she kept her answer short, afraid of some unknown hissy fit that a long answer may bring. "Unohana-taichou will be with you shortly." She bowed before going out just as timidly as she came in.

Turning to the tea, Hitsugaya contemplated the large mug before bringing it to his lips to drink. Though he tasted it rarely, Hitsugaya adored Unohana's tea. Although he wouldn't admit it readily; he found it contradictory to his personal statement that he disliked going to the 4th division.

The short patient sighed as he felt the tea working to relax his body; he hadn't felt this relaxed since… forever. _Waking up early today didn't help either_, he thought. He then noticed a glimmer of sunshine coming through the window to his right. He sighed again, but this time with frustration. _Yesterday morning_, he corrected himself. He had slept through the night without finishing paperwork. He would regret that when he got back to the office.

Just when he began to formulate a plan to catch up, the captain of the 4th division herself came in.

"Hitsugaya-taichou." Unohana said, her eyes smiling. Hitsugaya craned his head slightly higher than when looking at Matsumoto. Unohana always had a motherly quality about her, or so he felt. Not that he thought of her as a mother. Just more of a gentle figure _representing_ a mother.

"Unohana-taichou." Hitsugaya said as a greeting. They both nodded in acknowledgment.

Unohana moved a little ways to pull a stool to Hitsugaya from the far wall to sit beside him. She had no medical equipment and young patient knew she needed none.

"Are you feeling better Hitsugaya-taichou?" The fourth division captain smiled reassuringly at him. It did nothing to 'reassure' her current patient; he needed no reassurance.

"Hai." He answered stiffly. He hoped his slightly crackly voice wouldn't betray him.

Unohana merely nodded in understanding. "It seems you had a migraine and a fainting spell."

She watched as white eyebrows made themselves to a frown. Unconsciously, his mouth formed a small pout. The woman inside her wished to chuckle. It was not short of adorable. But the captain inside of her held her back; she had to do her job and show her respect to the young captain.

"Unohana-taichou, who brought me in?" The healer woke from her small reverie to once again face the serious boy. She smiled before answering.

"Your vice-captain. She was quite concerned too."

She watched as his eye wandered as if he was in deep thought. Whatever he was thinking of, he dropped the subject and opted to drink his tea instead. She had no idea that he was thinking of asking whether he had been carried in or not.

"Hitsugaya-taichou."

The said captain looked up, his green orbs questioning the healer's intentions.

Her serene face serious, Unohana held his gaze. "Did you happen to remember anything?"

Taken aback, Hitsugaya suppressed a shudder crawling up his spine. _Red on white. That's all I remember_. Keeping his face straight, he stared back defiantly.

"No."

The healer said nothing, her serene air disappearing fast. Hitsugaya didn't flinch. Silence lay between them heavily.

"I see."

Unohana stood up, pushing her stool to the wall. "I will return later on in the day. In the meantime, please rest. I will have someone bring up a book for you if you would like."

"Please do."

Having done her duty, or part of it, Unohana nodded politely before closing the door.

**_You lied._** Hyourinmaru said as soon as the door closed. Hitsugaya put aside the tea on the night stand beside him.

_No. I just didn't want someone involved in private affairs._

_**That is a poor excuse Toushirou.**_

Hitsugaya paused. He couldn't remember the last time Hyourinmaru called him by his first name. The name seemed so far away; hardly anyone used it anymore. He felt bitterness rise in his mouth.

_**Reaching for help is not cowardly. Even a dragon cannot do things by himself sometimes.**_

Hitsugaya sighed. Hyourinmaru had decided to be talkative today of all days. It wasn't as if he didn't like the zanpakutou. That would be ridiculous. He just wished Hyourinmaru wasn't right all the time.

Sensing his frustration, Hyounrinmaru withdrew, leaving an icy chill in the air.

He was alone now. Setting aside the tea tray, he hopped down from the bed; he didn't feel like sitting and doing nothing. Running his hand through his hair, he approached the window slowly. Water gently flowing into a pond could be heard though not seen. He wished he could just sit and listen to that. But now wasn't the time for that. He needed to contemplate the sudden memory he had: the red on white.

He was sure it was a memory. He didn't believe in visions and the scene in his mind was so clear. Like something he had known a long time ago. He couldn't put it in another way.

_But why now?_

Hitsugaya couldn't recall having done anything that would cause sudden recollections. Or… no... Nothing. It felt like a conspiracy but what good would a conspiracy against him do now? The biggest blow had been Aizen's betrayal. It wouldn't do any good to kick an enemy while they were still down. Aizen probably wanted the satisfaction of destroying Soul Society in its full strength.

He leaned against the window. Someone else had stood beside a window too while talking to another person. Wearing funny clothes from the human world.

His green eyes widened as he realized he had remembered yet another event. This time he had a clue: the human world.

Hitsugaya immediately tried to remember anything that had happened the few time he had been sent to the human world. But the times he had gone… none of them had windows like the one he was looking for. Then again, it was silly to base everything around a window.

Tip-toeing slightly, he peeked out the window. Just as he suspected, a garden came into view. He narrowed his eyes as the plants moved in and out of his focus. The young captain rubbed his eyes with his right hand, allowing the back of his head to connect to the wall.

Accompanied by the soft thud of his head hitting the wall, memories flooded in. A father, a mother, a sister, family, house, photo, everything. His life. He was seeing his life. And his head was going to crack from the pressure!

Cradling his head in his hands, he breathed heavily. No one was there. Not even Hyourinmaru. No one could help him.

_I don't understand…_

_A lily for the death of an innocent._


	3. Chapter 3

**New chapter.**

He remembered.

The fact that Unohana-taichou was telling Isane measurements to who knows what didn't matter. Matsumoto's reiatsu outside was hardly important. What mattered was he remembered.

He had died… like that. Not knowing blood, not understanding anything. Failing to protect again. _The after-life is like life itself._ Life was hardly fair. He died failing. This was what he feared.

Hyourinmaru was stirring. He could see the icy scales, reflecting ice back at him. And the red eyes, deep and hard. Like frozen blood.

_**You have seen. Now conquer.**_

"Hitsugaya-taichou?"

He tried sitting up, but ended up falling back on the rather comfortable bed. He hissed lightly. Pathetic. Having no choice, he rolled his body to face Unohana and Isane. Unohana looked mildly amused.

"Isane. Please bring the medicine in the third section in the seventh shelf."

"Hai."

And so, they were left alone.

Unohana sat on a stool, much like before. The hint of amusement that lingered in her eyes disappeared. She faced her patient solemnly.

"Did you remember Hitsugaya-taichou?"

Hitsugaya didn't want to face her now. But his pride held him.

"Hai." He replied in a crackly voice.

Unohana nodded. There was silence and Hitsugaya could hear running water from the garden outside. He rolled to lie on his back.

"Does everyone," he hesitated, "remember like this?" His voice sounded uncomfortably close to a frog trying to speak. Paying no heed to this, Unohana smiled and slowly shook her head.

"No. It seems you are quite special." Hitsugaya frowned lightly. He didn't feel so honored.

He sighed. He was drained. He knew he probably hadn't done anything physical, but he was still tired. The trouble sitting up gave him was a proof of that. That had hurt what little pride that had strayed to the back of his mind.

"Particular souls are very strong. Even before they learn to be shinigami. Did you know that Hitsugaya-taichou?" Unohana asked. Slightly surprised, Hitsugaya leaned his head towards the 4th division captain's voice, all the while ignoring his neck's protests.

"Those souls have the power to seal their memories if they wish," Unohana continued, "If they had undesirable deaths or lives, they subconsciously seal it as they become reborn into Soul Society. Of course, the mere entrance to this world permits a possibility of other memories to be lost." She shifted in her seat, checking Hitsugaya's temperature with a cool hand. "There are incidents where souls seal their whole lives and never remember them. There are even seals that are purely accidental. After each new level in reiatsu the soul obtains, the seals decay bit by bit until they eventually break."

Unohana paused, merely looking at the young captain.

"Is there more?" Hitsugaya croaked. As if waiting for this, the older captain continued.

"It seems when the seal breaks, the soul suffers; it is either through shock or sudden deterioration of health." Unohana smiled reassuring to Hitsugaya. "But they are temporary." Hitsugaya held in his sigh of relief and answered with a nod.

"Unohana-taichou."

Both captains looked up to see Isane. She had a large bottle in one hand with water in the other.

"I've brought the medicine for Hitsugaya-taichou."

Unohana took the objects from her and set them on the night table. "Thank you Isane. The 8th ward should have one of the squads waiting for your approval."

"Hai!" Isane bowed to Hitsugaya, earning a nod from the said captain. "Hitsugaya-taichou. I hope to see you well." She immediately closed the door.

Once the vice-captain left, the two captains returned to their former conversation.

"Do the souls ever remember their entire lives?"

Unohana let her mouth curve into a smile. "Yes. Most likely. Soul Society believes some memories offer wisdom to the shinigami." She found herself rather charmed by the bout of innocence in the vast green eyes of her peer. She secretly wished to see more of it, though it would contradict his icy nature.

"I'm sure they will be happier memories."

Hitsugaya took those words to heart and thanked the captain for her counsel.

"That was not a problem Hitsugaya-taichou. Anything I can do to heal. Now…" she lifted the medicine bottle that lay forgotten. "As soon as you drink this, you will be out in an hour or so Hitsugaya-taichou." She poured a foul smelling liquid into the water. She handed the now black water to Hitsugaya.

"The whole cup if you please."

Hitsugaya took the cup, knowing full well that 'if you please' was not an option. Since she had told him so much, he decided to down the drink without complaint. Not that he ever would.

-----------

Gradually, the days became normal. Hitsugaya's tiredness and migraine went away to be replaced by the perpetual headache he had whenever he saw his vice-captain slack off. Hyourinmaru was a lot less talkative. His patience was being tested every day. Yes, everything was back to normal.

Stretching, Hitsugaya allowed himself a small break from paperwork. He was in his rare good moods; he had had a nice dream last night. He glanced at Matsumoto. Sound asleep and thank God, not drooling on the papers. Without a sound, he left the office carrying a small package. Taking the most discreet path out, he walked quickly to the rock garden behind the office.

It was empty as usual. No one seemed to quite appreciate the solidity and peace the rocks represented to him. Looking around once again, he walked over to a secluded corner of the courtyard.

Over the few days, he had managed to put together a make-shift grave for his family. They were likely here, but it would be nearly impossible to find them in the bustle of Rukongai. They could even have died. Carefully, Hitsugaya took out some incense that he had bought on one of his regular bar searches for Matsumoto. He counted them and set them on the ground before the stone. Putting his hands together in respect, he bowed. However he could not stay in this comfortable silence forever.

And so, with a rustle of his cloak, he left it behind.

-------------

_The delight in everyone's eyes. The joy. And the overall comfortable happiness. It was almost too good to be true. But it was all there, in one room._

_He graciously took Toushirou's sheet of paper, smiling at the mess of ink and smudges on it. He patted his son's head._

"_Good job! My son's got talent with the brush!"_

_Toushirou grinned, half out of joy and half out of pride. His green eyes widened and sparkled in the warm light. It was all there._

_**Happy birthday, Otou-san!**_


End file.
